Penisthinking

As discussed previously, Belle’s given me permission to go find a boy willing to fuck me. Because I so, so badly, wish to be fucked and she doesn’t want to be the one to do it. On the one hand, this is very exciting and when I think about it and the fact that she’s willing to let me have this I only feel more affection towards her than usual (yes, it’s true, going outside your marriage for sex can make your marriage stronger). On the other hand, I’ve done nothing about it. Well, not nothing.

I reached out to an old boyfriend who doesn’t live near us. In fact, he’s way over on a coast, so not even close. In chatting with him about this new opportunity I have, I mentioned how, if it were possible, I’d be more than happy to have him do me (I have mentioned him in the past here — he has a wonderfully beautiful cock). In retrospect, this was a really stupid and thoughtless thing to do.

He was the guy I was with when I figured out that I wasn’t gay. It wasn’t that clean of a realization and it took several starts and stops to figure it out. He ended up getting by far the worst end of everything. I hold him in very high regard and feel genuine affection for him — he’s still a close friend. But he loved me. In a way I couldn’t return. Now he’s gone and had a life and married a guy (who’s OK with him getting some on the side) and has kids and the whole thing and all of a sudden I pop up out of the blue saying, “Hey! I can get fucked! Wanna fuck me!?”

I would have never done this with an ex-girlfriend. I realized that after the fact. Because with them, there would be problematic feelings, etc., due to the fact that I expressed love for them at one time and they for me and how that’s a whole minefield of emotional bombs. I feel love for this guy, too, but not, apparently, in the way that would make me aware of his potential feelings or that my proposal could be more hurtful than happy. In fact, I let the fucking penis do my thinking. A trait I share with many men, but for a guy who takes such pains to explain how he isn’t controlled by penis meat, it’s a surprising lapse. In any event, I’ve apologized for being such a total fucking cad. He didn’t take it personally.

Still, there are issues. For one, he’s a long ways away, like I said. Two, he’s gay and I would be a guy without, essentially, one of things gay guys really like — a penis. Also, and most problematically, he’s a bottom. When we were together, he got off on me being bigger (except in one department) and stronger and altogether more toppy than him. Definitely not who I am today and not something I could provide if I wanted. Add those things up and you have a formula that doesn’t easily resolve. Finally, in our text conversation about this, he called the device I wear a “contraption” and said he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. That’s fair, of course, but I admit it left me feeling highly self-conscious about myself. It’s like saying, “You’re awesome, but that third nipple kind of gives me the creeps.” So I don’t know about him.

Thing is, I was never really very good at finding dates. Back when most people do that I was all worked up about whether I wanted boys or girls and didn’t spend any time learning how to get either. Now I’m kind of this third thing. Also, I know for a fact I don’t want any kind of simple hook-ups. I’m not sure I can separate my submissive nature from sex. I don’t just want a live dick inside me, I want one belonging to someone I feel comfortable with. Someone I can sort of co-opt my submission to. That’s a bigger deal than just getting laid. Whoever this mystery man is, he has to be worthy.

And, of course, unattached or in a flexible situation and OK with no emotional prospects beyond whatever Belle lets me have and OK with a guy that doesn’t have an accessible penis. Also, in my total fantasy situation, this guy is actually a couple of committed guys. I don’t know why, but that’s appealing. Not a requirement, though. I assume this guy’s going to have to be either a dom or switch looking for a little piece on the side to top. They’re going to have to get off on my denial because I will always be that way with them. Starting to seem like a hard bill to fit, indeed. But what do I know?

So anyway, here I am. Permission to engage has been received but action beyond annoying an old friend has not been taken. I’m not even sure where to start.