Not horny

This morning I was feeling it big time. From the second I woke up (really, from the second the lights went out the night before). I would say “horny” but, as I was thinking about how I’d describe what I was feeling, I came to the realization that “horny,” as a word, sucks.

The thing is, it’s too tactical. Too in the moment. It’s transitory. What I feel isn’t transitory. It comes and goes (really, waxes and wanes, swells and subsides), but it’s not insistent. It’s not the kind of thing a regular guy would feel which would make him jump his bed partner or, if that was unsuccessful, go rub one out. I don’t do that. The end of horny is orgasm and I rarely (and even more rarely soon) do that. 

But I don’t know what word to use instead. I’m not sure we have a word for what guys who are not allowed to orgasm feel. Yes, horny, but so much more. So much deeper. This morning, I was dressed to go run in my shorts and had not yet put my track pants over them (since it’s freaking cold here and while I run on the treadmill in my shorts, I don’t get from my door to my truck to the gym in them). I hopped up on the kitchen counter and watched Belle make another cup of coffee and she came and stood between my legs and ran her hand up my thigh and under the flimsy running short material. I dropped my face into her neck and smelled her and whimpered. Then, as I was about to leave, I went into the bathroom where Belle was applying her makeup to give her a kiss. Her lips were full and plump and tasted of sweet coffee and I kept kissing her and pressed my body against the length of hers and wrapped one knee behind her where I also slipped my hand so I could finger the cleft above her ass and I just kissed and kissed her and felt a swelling both physically in the device but also emotionally in my chest. I left weak-kneed and light-headed. I fucking wanted  her. I wanted to feel her hot, wet snatch and suck her tits and hear her ragged breathing and tense up as she did and feel my own pale reflection of her release as she arched her back and came under my fingertips. How does “horny” capture that?

Being horny is about craving the thing that makes you not horny. I crave that on some level, but more than that I crave the craving. I crave the feeling that sinks its structural elements and builds a foundation on “horny.” The thing I don’t have a word for. The thing that makes me love being essentially orgasmless.

Yeah, I need a new word.